One Thing After Another

Doesn’t it seem that just when it feels you get into a little bit of routine in life, things are going along at a good pace, there are no major issues, that something comes along to throw it all out of kilter?  It seems that our life is like that in a cycling basis.  As I was watching one of my favorite shows the other night (Downton Abbey) the matriarch of the family, Lady Grantham said “All life is a series of problems which we must try and solve.  First one, then the next, and the next.  Until at last we die.”  I thought to myself “That old lady sure knows a thing or two.”

We were plugging along a couple of weeks ago when Jackson woke up throwing up.  No biggie.  I thought it was the too spicy chile I had fed him that night.  Nope.  It was the flu.  A few days of throwing up, were followed with a few days of diarrhea, promptly followed by a sneezing and a bugger nose.  In the midst of the puking stage I caught a cold.  Of course as the puking was ending and the diarrhea beginning, Kevin had to go Canada for 4 days for work.  So I have a cold, Jackson has the flu, Kevin leaves town and it’s a Friday night.  Valentine’s day actually.  As the kids and I are hanging out in the living room I notice that the purple gel sticker (about an inch big) that Sylvia stuck on the window for Jackson to look at is no longer on the window, which Jackson was currently pounding on.  Frantically Sylvia, Daniel and I begin searching for said sticker.  It’s no where to be found.  We deduce that Jackson may have swallowed it.  I call the after hours doctor hotline.  They say to go to urgent care.  I call urgent care, they are closing.  They say go to the ER.  Seriously??!!  Of course in the midst of all that chaos our credit card calls to say someone is using our card in Canada.  The automated system is slow and wants to clear every purchase since god knows when.  I can’t handle it and just hang up.  We load into the car and head to the ER.  Where we wait.  And wait.  And wait.  Although they have taken us to a room, they seem to have forgotten us.  Jackson is only patient for so long, then the yelling begins.  And my patience takes a nosedive.  I’ve had enough.  I feel like crap, so does Jackson, Sylvia and Daniel are fighting over which chair to sit in, and I start thinking about taking up drinking again.  Damnit, if only I liked the taste of alcohol!  So I do what any hysterical woman does.  I get my phone out, call the hospital I am in, ask for the children’s ER where we are and when someone answers I say “Hey!  I’m in room 104, the one with the screaming kid, is it too much to ask to have someone come in here and check out my kid?!”  I know, I’m a bitch, but it made me laugh and feel good.  And within a minute we had someone come in.  Of course he was snotty and looked at Jackson and said “I see you have special circumstances” but explained that they are very busy.  Now let me tell you, if Daniel and Sylvia hadn’t been in that room I may have punched that guy.  My kid is not “special circumstances”.  But I had to let it go.  I argued with him a bit and he left.  Seconds later someone who had some kind of authority came in and the ball got rolling.  Within 45 minutes we were out of there with a final diagnosis of - sticker wasn’t toxic so if he did swallow it, he will just poop it out, nothing else can be done.  All that hassle for nothing!  We got home, went to bed and the next day Jackson’s diarrhea arrived.  What a fun weekend!  Just when Jackson started getting better, Sylvia got the stomach bug.  She bounced back fairly quickly though.  Then Daniel got it.  He bounced back fairly quickly too but is still battling the ensuing cold. 

A week after our fun excursion to the ER I had surgery.  Nothing major but enough to ensure I needed to take it easy for a few days.  I’m slowly recovering and getting back to normal.  The worst part is that I can’t lift Jackson for 2 weeks.  We are lucky and fortunate enough to have a caregiver for Jackson for that 2 weeks.  I have many times wished I was rich enough to hire a nanny to do all the day to day hard work it requires to care for Jackson.  This past week I have essentially had one.  Surprisingly, I hate it.  I don’t like not being able to do the everyday things I do.  It’s a lot of work, but I like to do it.  I know I should enjoy the 2 weeks and let my back have a break from all the lifting, but I’m having a little trouble with letting go of that routine and daily life I am used to.  I know, I’m a control freak.  The good news is that we are all making our way to healthy.  Now I will just wait around for the next problem to solve.

Our Village

Last week my husband went to Florida for 6 days to do some house projects for his parents.  It was the longest he had ever been away from the kids and I.  Of course it was one of those weeks where I had numerous appointments and was in way over my head.  But I survived and somehow managed to keep the kids alive. 

While he was gone my wonderful neighbors decided I needed a night out to the theatre.  One had the ticket, the other the babysitting skills.  When they offered me a night out, I turned them down.  I didn’t see how I could do it.  There was homework to do, dinner to make, one kid who was grounded to their room, and Jackson needed a bath.  I just thought those things had to be taken care of by me, the mom.  When I told Kevin about it on the phone he said “You need to let people help you Stacey.”  I know this is true, I really do.  But I just can’t seem to.  I’m used to doing things on my own.  It’s hard for me to admit when I need a break or when I need help.  I decided to become a parent, I don’t think others should have to take care of my kids just because I need a break.  My neighbor who is always offering to babysit the kids agreed with Kevin and she said “We are your village!” which got me thinking about Hilary Clinton’s book.  For centuries women raised their children and others children as a group, not individually.  Mom’s had each other’s backs.  Wouldn’t that be nice, if each of us had a village and raising our children was a group effort. 

I think for my part I have a great village.  It may not be in the traditional sense but for me a village is just having others who support and love us.  Having a kiddo like Jackson who takes a lot more effort to raise and to care for on a daily basis is challenging.  Sometimes all it takes to get through those tough days is to think about all of our family and friends who love Jackson and have supported him and us on this journey.  Jackson has touched a lot of lives.  Those lives are the ones who don’t look at him like something is wrong with him, that he is different.  They just look at Jackson with love and see a little boy.  Those are the people I treasure as my village.  They have Jackson’s back.  And mine.  

Having said that, I know I need to let people help.  I need to try and stop being Supermom and just accept that I am a mom of 3 kids who needs help sometimes.  I think all of us mama’s need to do that.  None of us are perfect.  Parenting is HARD!  We need to rally around each other and support one another.   Next time I get an offer for a break, I’m taking it!  Helen Fisher said “Mothers really were not built to raise babies not only by themselves, but with only a partner.  For millions of years, a woman had much more than just her husband to help rear her young…This whole idea of ‘it takes a village to raise a child’ is exactly how we’re supposed to live.”  I think she is right.  Even though that is hard to admit!

CAN! Not can’t.

I think when you have a child like Jackson you become accustomed to hearing and saying the word “can’t”.  I know for myself I have used it a lot when describing him.  I will say “Jackson can’t walk, Jackson can’t talk.”  It has become a part of my daily vocabulary.  But the last couple of weeks have proven to me that while there are some things Jackson can’t do, there are some things I can cross off that “can’t” list.  And I couldn’t be happier about it.

When I took the leadership class at the Arc last year part of the program was learning about resources in our community.  When the Spokane Parks and Recreation woman came to talk about the Therapeutic Recreation Service for people with disabilities she mentioned adaptive skiing.  As soon as I heard about it I had a new goal for Jackson.  I grew up skiing the great ski resorts in the mountains of Colorado.  In my teen years we only went to school 4 days a week and had Monday’s off.  The local resorts would let us ski for free on Monday’s.  If you weren’t skiing, you were missing out.  I love skiing.  When I was pregnant with Jackson and dreaming of all the things I would do with him, skiing was on that list.  So when I heard there might be a chance for Jackson to ski, well it was a no-brainer, my kid was doing it.  I could hardly wait for this winter to arrive.  When I finally got that registration, I cried when I filled it out.  Jackson was going to ski!  As that first ski day quickly approached I went shopping for ski necessities – gloves, long underwear, fleece pants.  I had him all lined out, now the big test – would he like it?  

The first day of skiing arrived and it was as if Jackson knew something great was about to happen.  He woke up in the best mood.  The whole drive up to the mountain he was squealing with delight, laughing, wiggling around in his car seat.  He was excited.  Despite being in so many layers he could barely sit up, he was all smiles as they put him in the bi-ski.  Before I knew it he was on the chair lift heading up the mountain.  His instructor said he was a bit nervous on the lift that first time.  He was holding his breath and laughing nervously.  But after that, nothing but happiness on the chair lift.  Watching him come down that mountain for the first time is something I won’t forget.  Needless to say both Kevin and I cried.  As for Jackson, well I don’t know why I was even worried.  He loves the outdoors, he loves cold weather, he loves going fast, and he’s my kid.  He absolutely loved it!  Not only did he love it but he lasted the full 2 hours!  He doesn’t enjoy anything for 2 hours!  I was shocked and elated.  He again surprised the hell out of me, one of my favorite things about him.  Jackson CAN ski!

As if the skiing thing wasn’t enough, the next day my sister took the kids to see the movie Frozen.  I knew there was no way he would last through a movie.  But I thought it would be a good way to find out how long he would last in a movie.  Something I hadn’t wanted to figure out on my own.  As I am sure you can guess by now, he made it through the whole movie and was as happy as can be.  Proven wrong again by a 5 year old.  Jackson CAN go to a movie!

This time I end my post with a quote that fits my beautiful little boy who is continually teaching me life lessons.  When I read this quote I imagine the words as Jackson’s own.  “I am only one.  But still, I am one.  I cannot do everything, but still I can do something.  And because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do the something that I can do.” (Edward Everett Hale)

 

Home Sweet Home

You never appreciate being home until you can’t get there.  That is exactly what happened to us when we made the trek towards home after our Christmas trip to Grandma and Grandpa’s.  Southwest canceled our flight home from Denver because they didn’t have a crew for our flight and then wouldn’t fly us home for 5 days.  After taking matters into our own hands (which apparently you have to do because Southwest is not only unwilling to help their passengers, but are downright nasty about it) we managed to catch a Delta flight home 3 days later.  This of course meant the kids missed school and Kevin missed work.  But there is nothing like walking into your house after being gone for 21 days.  Home sweet home has a new meaning to me! 

As an update to my last post let me say that once Christmas was over the kids’ behavior became much better.  I think the whole unknown of the holidays just had them out of their minds.  As for me, my first Christmas as a mom of 3, and of 2 who believe in Santa and understand the whole Christmas process, I will never be able to express my delight and relief that Christmas is over!  For someone who hates shopping, the last minute gifts, stocking stuffers and taking the kids shopping for each other made me want to jump in the ocean and swim to the Bahamas.  Truly.  I will say that it was fun to create some new traditions for the kids.  Their favorite was snack-a-rama - no real dinner on Christmas eve, just a lot of crackers, cheeses, meats, veggies, fruit and cookies to snack on all night while watching movies and playing games.  It was one of my favorite traditions when my nephews were little and now there are others in my family who love it too!  Somehow we all survived the holidays and have a house full of toys to prove it.

After our visit with Kevin’s parents we headed over to Sarasota, Florida to visit more family.  It was a great chance for the kids to see the Gulf of Mexico and to experience white sandy beaches.  When Daniel first saw the white beach he said “Is that snow?”  He had to go feel it to believe it was actually sand.  We also got to go visit the Big Cat Habitat and Sanctuary that had bears, goats, monkeys, lions, tigers, ligers and birds.  We loved it!  It was fun for the kids to see another part of Florida and to visit Pat, Dave and Sam who we love so much.  And to eat Pat’s to die for homemade mac and cheese!  Before we knew it, it was time to leave our beloved Florida and head to Denver to visit some of my family.  All of whom hadn’t met the kids yet.  We got visits in with my 91 year old Grandma, my best friend Tami and her mom, my aunt and uncle, my cousin and her wonderful little boys who I adore, and my stepbrother.  It was a great trip and I was so happy everyone got to meet the kids. 

It’s fun to watch the kids meet their new family members.  At first they just kind of sit back and take everything in and after a little bit it’s as if they have known them all their lives.  It is also awesome to watch our family members embrace the kids and welcome them into the family.  When you think about it it is really kind of a weird situation.  Just out of the blue getting a couple of kids, raising them and being responsible for their every need and want.  Then introducing them to your loved ones who are virtual strangers to them.  Everyone trying to get to know everyone.  But in the end it’s just the simplicity of family. 

Our 3 week trip was full of adventure.  Our first Christmas together, me forgetting to pack enough seizure medication for Jackson, seeing a new part of America, meeting new family members, lots of rental cars, 86 degree weather in Florida, snow in Denver, and a canceled flight.  Agatha Christie summed up our trip when she said “It is astounding in this world how things don’t turn out at all the way you expect them to.”

Holiday Craziness

It’s Christmas Eve and we are in sunny (actually it’s raining) Florida for the holidays.  Family is arriving, shopping is done, presents are wrapped, and food is being prepared.  It’s the most glorious time of the year.  That’s what’s advertised anyway.  Our non-traditional family, with foster kids and a child with special needs, doesn’t always follow the typical holiday customs.

One thing about having children who have lived a lot of their lives in dysfunction and the foster care system is that they have a skewed version of what the holidays are.  You don’t know why and they can’t really tell you why.  It’s frustrating to say the least.  What we do know is that behavior seems to be the outlet for their holiday anxiety.  Unfortunately for us it has been an issue of bad behavior.  The time out chair has seen a lot of action lately if you get my drift.  Despite my attempts to sit and talk things out in an effort to get some answer as to why the behavior is the way it is, I’ve got nothing.  I wish I could understand and help ease whatever it is that is going on in their minds but I can’t.  One good motivator is Christmas gifts.  You be good, one gift goes under the tree.  It has worked a little.  In my heart I feel for them because I know that it is a reaction to their past.  But on the other hand I am now their parent and I need them to understand that bad behavior is unacceptable and we won’t allow it.  I have to be the bad guy and that sucks!  They have only been with us for 9 months and I have to continually remind myself of that.  At this point we just have to get through the holidays and hopefully next year they will have a better sense that things will be okay for them.

One tough decision my husband and I had to make yesterday was to not give them our big gift.  The kids didn’t know but we planned to take them to Disney World for one day this week.  After this past week of bad behavior we knew we couldn’t reward them with such a fun opportunity.  It wouldn’t be fair to any of us.  I’m sad about our decision but I know it is the right one.  We could only afford one day anyway so now we have a whole year to save for another day and a hotel room.  Plus in one more year I think we will have a little more stability in our family.  In my quest to give them memorable experiences this year I think I forgot that having a new family might just be enough experience.  I mean a couple of years ago they were living in a tent having never left the town they were born in.  Now they are flying on airplanes across the country, seeing the ocean, going on boats, going to amusement parks, experiencing summer camps, and on and on.  It’s been an entirely eventful 9 months for them. 

Being a parent is hard, no matter who your child is.  We have to make tough decisions, enforce rules, be the bad guy, all while making sure they feel secure and loved.  A balancing act so many of us put on every day.  I hope for the kids’ sake that “Life’s most painful losses can lead to life’s most beautiful findings.” (Rusty Berkus)

Holland

There is an analogy that a woman named Emily Pearl Kingsley wrote about becoming a special needs parent called “Welcome to Holland” (I posted it on the blog a couple of years ago).  It’s about how you believe your journey as a parent is going to be like going to Italy.  Then you have your child and realize you aren’t going to Italy.  Instead you are diverted to Holland.  At first Holland doesn’t seem as great as Italy.  And while everyone else is going to Italy, you are stuck in Holland.  Slowly you realize that Holland isn’t so bad and has a beauty that others don’t see.  The other day I came across a follow up to “Welcome to Holland” called “Celebrating Holland – I’m Home”.  It’s written by a mom who has been in Holland for a while.  No matter how hard our journey is when we have special needs kids, I think most of us are able to get to a place where we realize that we no longer wish for Italy.  That as far as we are concerned, Italy is overrated.  The most beautiful country is indeed Holland.  Holland is where the action is!  Holland has a love like none other.  Holland is the hardest, most rewarding school where lessons are taught that we had no idea about.  Holland is beautiful.  I love Holland and the beautiful little boy named Jackson who took me there.    

Celebrating Holland- I'm Home
By Cathy Anthony
(my follow-up to the original “Welcome to Holland” by Emily Pearl Kingsley)

 

I have been in Holland for over a decade now. It has become home. I have had time to catch my breath, to settle and adjust, to accept something different than I'd planned. I reflect back on those years of past when I had first landed in Holland. I remember clearly my shock, my fear, my anger, the pain and uncertainty. In those first few years, I tried to get back to Italy as planned, but Holland was where I was to stay. Today, I can say how far I have come on this unexpected journey. I have learned so much more. But, this too has been a journey of time.

I worked hard. I bought new guidebooks. I learned a new language and I slowly found my way around this new land. I have met others whose plans had changed like mine, and who could share my experience. We supported one another and some have become very special friends.
Some of these fellow travelers had been in Holland longer than I and were seasoned guides, assisting me along the way. Many have encouraged me. Many have taught me to open my eyes to the wonder and gifts to behold in this new land. I have discovered a community of caring. Holland wasn't so bad.

I think that Holland is used to wayward travelers like me and grew to become a land of hospitality, reaching out to welcome, to assist and to support newcomers like me in this new land. Over the years, I've wondered what life would have been like if I'd landed in Italy as planned. Would life have been easier? Would it have been as rewarding? Would I have learned some of the important lessons I hold today?

Sure, this journey has been more challenging and at times I would (and still do) stomp my feet and cry out in frustration and protest. And, yes, Holland is slower paced than Italy and less flashy than Italy, but this too has been an unexpected gift. I have learned to slow down in ways too and look closer at things, with a new appreciation for the remarkable beauty of Holland with its tulips, windmills and Rembrandts.

I have come to love Holland and call it Home.

I have become a world traveler and discovered that it doesn't matter where you land. What's more important is what you make of your journey and how you see and enjoy the very special, the very lovely, things that Holland, or any land, has to offer.

Yes, over a decade ago I landed in a place I hadn't planned. Yet I am thankful, for this destination has been richer than I could have imagined!

 

Thanks and Giving

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.  Other than the food, it isn’t over the board commercialized.  It is a day to sit down to a meal with those you love and spend your life with.  To look inside of yourself and realize your blessings, and to focus on what you have, not what you don’t.  What could be better than that?  It’s a shame we only have one day a year to focus on thanks.  We should all be doing this every day. 

The last 3 Thanksgiving’s have been tough for me.  Losing my Dad is something that still hasn’t healed in my heart.  Then we lost Sandy, my stepmom.  It’s blatantly obvious every year when we sit down to the table that there are 2 missing.  I feel that emptiness every year and it is hard for me.  I am sure it will be tomorrow too.  But this year those two empty spots at the table will be filled by two children.  Two children a year ago I never even could imagine.  Yet there they will sit.  With our family.  With their family.  They are super excited about Thanksgiving this year.  And so am I.  They have given me yet another reason to be thankful. 

I don’t have time to list everything I am thankful for.  I have a lot.  If you have read my blog at all this year you know I have plenty of reasons to be thankful - an amazing husband, 3 children who are beautiful in each their own way, family and friends who love and support us, a lovely home, a car to get us where we need to go, and a pantry full of food.  We have more than so many.  As we sit down to dinner tomorrow those I will be thinking of are those who have no table to sit at or no way to get to that table.  Our soldiers, the homeless, those without families, those living in poverty.  As Robert Louis Stevenson said “Keep your eyes open to your mercies.  The man who forgets to be thankful has fallen asleep in life.”  Happy Thanksgiving and I am thankful to all of you for reading my blog and sharing in my life journey!