"Parent" Is A Verb

I saw this bumper sticker a few days ago that said “’Parent’ is a Verb”.  I stared at it as I sat at the stop light.  I kept thinking about what it really meant.  I think generally I have thought of “parent” as a noun.  But when I saw that bumper sticker it hit home with me that yes indeed “parent” is a verb.  The last few weeks have definitely emphasized that fact. 

Over the last month or so our house has been infested with the cold and flu.  It’s the domino effect.  One has it, passes it on the next victim, who then passes it on to the next.  It’s been never ending.  Just when I thought we were all better, Jackson decided to go for round 2, sending me into round 3.  As I write this there are 3 of us at the tail end of a cold.  Knock on wood that the constant opening of windows and spraying of Lysol is going to ward off another round.  Nothing screams “parent” like kids with colds.  Especially when the parent has a cold too. 

On top of all of this it was time to put on the first official birthday party for Daniel.  He had never really had a real birthday party before.  So for the last month I have been planning and making sure he was involved too.  He picked out his theme (Superman), his cake, and his guests.  I had a few surprises but mostly just wanted him to have a real party for the first time.  As I tucked him in to bed that night I asked him if he liked his party.  He said it was the best he ever had.  Two days later I began planning Jackson’s birthday party.  Before his is done I will start planning Sylvia’s too.  3 birthday parties in a span of 2 months makes for a great opportunity to “parent”.  And also go on a cake diet.

I think the biggest “parent” challenge as of late has been trying to determine what is the best way to help Daniel deal with his anxiety, AD/HD and behavior issues.  His behavior has become more and more challenging, at home and at school.  For the past 7 months we have been trying bio-feedback.  It has gotten Daniel nowhere.  If anything his behavior has increased negatively.  We put him in play therapy/counseling.  I signed him up for gymnastics.  I pick him up one day a week after school and we have special one on one time.  I also do the one on one time with Sylvia.  Ultimately we decided to try medication.  Neither my husband or I are big on medication but I worry about him becoming “that kid” at school and getting labeled as a behavior problem.  So we went to the doctor and talked about some options which I could research.  We decided on a medication that wasn’t a stimulant.  When Daniel came to live with us he was on Ritalin and after school his behavior was out of control.  It was too much for me to handle.  So we gave Daniel the new medication and hoped for the best.  But within a day the little boy we knew was gone and a slow, confused Zombie took over.  It was horrifying.  Within a couple of days I called the doctor and told him it was too much, we had to change.  We lowered the dosage to half and with a day the kid we knew was back.  When you have a child who is a handful, who has behavior issues and just generally takes up 90% of your time, you just want a break, you want him to calm down and focus.  But the minute he changes, you want him back.  I don’t know if this medication course is the right one.  I know for his sake we need to try it so he can be successful at school and life.  However, this is one opportunity to “parent” that is not on my highlight list. 

I suppose that’s why “parent” is a verb.  It’s an action.  An action that can be joyous, rewarding, difficult and frustrating, all in the same day.  You have to be diverse, flexible and downright silly to “parent”.  As Ray Romano said “Having children is like living in a frat house – nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”  So why would anyone “parent”?  To have the experience of being a “parent”?  Noun or verb?  You decide. 

Birthday Reflection

Today is my birthday.  I am sitting here in my favorite bakery (Rockwood Bakery), listening to my favorite band (The Eagles) on my earphones, eating a delicious cinnamon roll and drinking hot chocolate with whip cream.  I’m pretty lucky.  Yet, kind of sad.  I miss that call that I usually get on my birthday.  The one from my Dad where he would always say “Happy Birthday Honey” and I would feel like a little girl no matter how old I got.  I miss the frosted brownies my stepmom always made for me on my birthday.  I miss all the silly little gifts my Mom would spend a year buying me for my birthday and how she would let me eat cake for breakfast.  I think when you lose your parents your birthday loses its magic.  There aren’t many people left who actually remember your birth and all the excitement that comes with it anymore.  It becomes a lonesome day filled with memories of “the good old days”.

My birthday is also a weird day for me.  I think of the woman who gave birth to me.  How young she was.  How afraid she must have been.  How the day of my birth was no doubt traumatic for her.  To give birth to a baby you carried for nine months, never even get to see it, give it up to strangers for adoption and move on with your life.  That’s a lot.  I wonder what she thinks about on my birthday.  I wonder if she has spent all these years trying to forget it and if this is a day that she dreads.

But then…..as I sit here my phone keeps buzzing with birthday wishes from all my wonderful friends and family.  And this morning there were two little kids waiting at my bedroom door to yell “HAPPY BIRTHDAY STACEY!!!!” to me when I opened it, accompanied by hugs.  With a card they had made themselves detailing how much they love the food I give them and how they hope I have a great day.  Jackson for his part woke me up at 5:30 a.m. lying in his bed saying “mama” (this one gift I could have done without, at least for a couple more hours).  I’m having lunch later with a good friend.  Then tonight the whole family is going out to dinner which means I don’t have to cook!  Which all Moms know is truly a gift.

I guess this is going to be my birthday.  A day mixed with a little sadness, wondering, and joy.  There are people missing from my life, people who I miss so deeply.  There are new people who have entered my life and who bring me a whole new level of joy.  It’s a balance of give and take, the routine of life. I’m not sure who said “Things don’t have to be perfect to be wonderful” but it seems fitting for my birthday and how I feel today. 

Help Jackson Get a Bike!

Hi Faithful Readers!  I entered a contest to win Jackson an adaptive bicycle.  The more nominations we get the better our chances at winning.  So please go to https://www.friendshipcircle.org/bikes/2014/03/jackson-2/ and help us win Jackson a bike.  It just takes a second and is free! 

One Thing After Another

Doesn’t it seem that just when it feels you get into a little bit of routine in life, things are going along at a good pace, there are no major issues, that something comes along to throw it all out of kilter?  It seems that our life is like that in a cycling basis.  As I was watching one of my favorite shows the other night (Downton Abbey) the matriarch of the family, Lady Grantham said “All life is a series of problems which we must try and solve.  First one, then the next, and the next.  Until at last we die.”  I thought to myself “That old lady sure knows a thing or two.”

We were plugging along a couple of weeks ago when Jackson woke up throwing up.  No biggie.  I thought it was the too spicy chile I had fed him that night.  Nope.  It was the flu.  A few days of throwing up, were followed with a few days of diarrhea, promptly followed by a sneezing and a bugger nose.  In the midst of the puking stage I caught a cold.  Of course as the puking was ending and the diarrhea beginning, Kevin had to go Canada for 4 days for work.  So I have a cold, Jackson has the flu, Kevin leaves town and it’s a Friday night.  Valentine’s day actually.  As the kids and I are hanging out in the living room I notice that the purple gel sticker (about an inch big) that Sylvia stuck on the window for Jackson to look at is no longer on the window, which Jackson was currently pounding on.  Frantically Sylvia, Daniel and I begin searching for said sticker.  It’s no where to be found.  We deduce that Jackson may have swallowed it.  I call the after hours doctor hotline.  They say to go to urgent care.  I call urgent care, they are closing.  They say go to the ER.  Seriously??!!  Of course in the midst of all that chaos our credit card calls to say someone is using our card in Canada.  The automated system is slow and wants to clear every purchase since god knows when.  I can’t handle it and just hang up.  We load into the car and head to the ER.  Where we wait.  And wait.  And wait.  Although they have taken us to a room, they seem to have forgotten us.  Jackson is only patient for so long, then the yelling begins.  And my patience takes a nosedive.  I’ve had enough.  I feel like crap, so does Jackson, Sylvia and Daniel are fighting over which chair to sit in, and I start thinking about taking up drinking again.  Damnit, if only I liked the taste of alcohol!  So I do what any hysterical woman does.  I get my phone out, call the hospital I am in, ask for the children’s ER where we are and when someone answers I say “Hey!  I’m in room 104, the one with the screaming kid, is it too much to ask to have someone come in here and check out my kid?!”  I know, I’m a bitch, but it made me laugh and feel good.  And within a minute we had someone come in.  Of course he was snotty and looked at Jackson and said “I see you have special circumstances” but explained that they are very busy.  Now let me tell you, if Daniel and Sylvia hadn’t been in that room I may have punched that guy.  My kid is not “special circumstances”.  But I had to let it go.  I argued with him a bit and he left.  Seconds later someone who had some kind of authority came in and the ball got rolling.  Within 45 minutes we were out of there with a final diagnosis of - sticker wasn’t toxic so if he did swallow it, he will just poop it out, nothing else can be done.  All that hassle for nothing!  We got home, went to bed and the next day Jackson’s diarrhea arrived.  What a fun weekend!  Just when Jackson started getting better, Sylvia got the stomach bug.  She bounced back fairly quickly though.  Then Daniel got it.  He bounced back fairly quickly too but is still battling the ensuing cold. 

A week after our fun excursion to the ER I had surgery.  Nothing major but enough to ensure I needed to take it easy for a few days.  I’m slowly recovering and getting back to normal.  The worst part is that I can’t lift Jackson for 2 weeks.  We are lucky and fortunate enough to have a caregiver for Jackson for that 2 weeks.  I have many times wished I was rich enough to hire a nanny to do all the day to day hard work it requires to care for Jackson.  This past week I have essentially had one.  Surprisingly, I hate it.  I don’t like not being able to do the everyday things I do.  It’s a lot of work, but I like to do it.  I know I should enjoy the 2 weeks and let my back have a break from all the lifting, but I’m having a little trouble with letting go of that routine and daily life I am used to.  I know, I’m a control freak.  The good news is that we are all making our way to healthy.  Now I will just wait around for the next problem to solve.

Our Village

Last week my husband went to Florida for 6 days to do some house projects for his parents.  It was the longest he had ever been away from the kids and I.  Of course it was one of those weeks where I had numerous appointments and was in way over my head.  But I survived and somehow managed to keep the kids alive. 

While he was gone my wonderful neighbors decided I needed a night out to the theatre.  One had the ticket, the other the babysitting skills.  When they offered me a night out, I turned them down.  I didn’t see how I could do it.  There was homework to do, dinner to make, one kid who was grounded to their room, and Jackson needed a bath.  I just thought those things had to be taken care of by me, the mom.  When I told Kevin about it on the phone he said “You need to let people help you Stacey.”  I know this is true, I really do.  But I just can’t seem to.  I’m used to doing things on my own.  It’s hard for me to admit when I need a break or when I need help.  I decided to become a parent, I don’t think others should have to take care of my kids just because I need a break.  My neighbor who is always offering to babysit the kids agreed with Kevin and she said “We are your village!” which got me thinking about Hilary Clinton’s book.  For centuries women raised their children and others children as a group, not individually.  Mom’s had each other’s backs.  Wouldn’t that be nice, if each of us had a village and raising our children was a group effort. 

I think for my part I have a great village.  It may not be in the traditional sense but for me a village is just having others who support and love us.  Having a kiddo like Jackson who takes a lot more effort to raise and to care for on a daily basis is challenging.  Sometimes all it takes to get through those tough days is to think about all of our family and friends who love Jackson and have supported him and us on this journey.  Jackson has touched a lot of lives.  Those lives are the ones who don’t look at him like something is wrong with him, that he is different.  They just look at Jackson with love and see a little boy.  Those are the people I treasure as my village.  They have Jackson’s back.  And mine.  

Having said that, I know I need to let people help.  I need to try and stop being Supermom and just accept that I am a mom of 3 kids who needs help sometimes.  I think all of us mama’s need to do that.  None of us are perfect.  Parenting is HARD!  We need to rally around each other and support one another.   Next time I get an offer for a break, I’m taking it!  Helen Fisher said “Mothers really were not built to raise babies not only by themselves, but with only a partner.  For millions of years, a woman had much more than just her husband to help rear her young…This whole idea of ‘it takes a village to raise a child’ is exactly how we’re supposed to live.”  I think she is right.  Even though that is hard to admit!

CAN! Not can’t.

I think when you have a child like Jackson you become accustomed to hearing and saying the word “can’t”.  I know for myself I have used it a lot when describing him.  I will say “Jackson can’t walk, Jackson can’t talk.”  It has become a part of my daily vocabulary.  But the last couple of weeks have proven to me that while there are some things Jackson can’t do, there are some things I can cross off that “can’t” list.  And I couldn’t be happier about it.

When I took the leadership class at the Arc last year part of the program was learning about resources in our community.  When the Spokane Parks and Recreation woman came to talk about the Therapeutic Recreation Service for people with disabilities she mentioned adaptive skiing.  As soon as I heard about it I had a new goal for Jackson.  I grew up skiing the great ski resorts in the mountains of Colorado.  In my teen years we only went to school 4 days a week and had Monday’s off.  The local resorts would let us ski for free on Monday’s.  If you weren’t skiing, you were missing out.  I love skiing.  When I was pregnant with Jackson and dreaming of all the things I would do with him, skiing was on that list.  So when I heard there might be a chance for Jackson to ski, well it was a no-brainer, my kid was doing it.  I could hardly wait for this winter to arrive.  When I finally got that registration, I cried when I filled it out.  Jackson was going to ski!  As that first ski day quickly approached I went shopping for ski necessities – gloves, long underwear, fleece pants.  I had him all lined out, now the big test – would he like it?  

The first day of skiing arrived and it was as if Jackson knew something great was about to happen.  He woke up in the best mood.  The whole drive up to the mountain he was squealing with delight, laughing, wiggling around in his car seat.  He was excited.  Despite being in so many layers he could barely sit up, he was all smiles as they put him in the bi-ski.  Before I knew it he was on the chair lift heading up the mountain.  His instructor said he was a bit nervous on the lift that first time.  He was holding his breath and laughing nervously.  But after that, nothing but happiness on the chair lift.  Watching him come down that mountain for the first time is something I won’t forget.  Needless to say both Kevin and I cried.  As for Jackson, well I don’t know why I was even worried.  He loves the outdoors, he loves cold weather, he loves going fast, and he’s my kid.  He absolutely loved it!  Not only did he love it but he lasted the full 2 hours!  He doesn’t enjoy anything for 2 hours!  I was shocked and elated.  He again surprised the hell out of me, one of my favorite things about him.  Jackson CAN ski!

As if the skiing thing wasn’t enough, the next day my sister took the kids to see the movie Frozen.  I knew there was no way he would last through a movie.  But I thought it would be a good way to find out how long he would last in a movie.  Something I hadn’t wanted to figure out on my own.  As I am sure you can guess by now, he made it through the whole movie and was as happy as can be.  Proven wrong again by a 5 year old.  Jackson CAN go to a movie!

This time I end my post with a quote that fits my beautiful little boy who is continually teaching me life lessons.  When I read this quote I imagine the words as Jackson’s own.  “I am only one.  But still, I am one.  I cannot do everything, but still I can do something.  And because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do the something that I can do.” (Edward Everett Hale)

 

Home Sweet Home

You never appreciate being home until you can’t get there.  That is exactly what happened to us when we made the trek towards home after our Christmas trip to Grandma and Grandpa’s.  Southwest canceled our flight home from Denver because they didn’t have a crew for our flight and then wouldn’t fly us home for 5 days.  After taking matters into our own hands (which apparently you have to do because Southwest is not only unwilling to help their passengers, but are downright nasty about it) we managed to catch a Delta flight home 3 days later.  This of course meant the kids missed school and Kevin missed work.  But there is nothing like walking into your house after being gone for 21 days.  Home sweet home has a new meaning to me! 

As an update to my last post let me say that once Christmas was over the kids’ behavior became much better.  I think the whole unknown of the holidays just had them out of their minds.  As for me, my first Christmas as a mom of 3, and of 2 who believe in Santa and understand the whole Christmas process, I will never be able to express my delight and relief that Christmas is over!  For someone who hates shopping, the last minute gifts, stocking stuffers and taking the kids shopping for each other made me want to jump in the ocean and swim to the Bahamas.  Truly.  I will say that it was fun to create some new traditions for the kids.  Their favorite was snack-a-rama - no real dinner on Christmas eve, just a lot of crackers, cheeses, meats, veggies, fruit and cookies to snack on all night while watching movies and playing games.  It was one of my favorite traditions when my nephews were little and now there are others in my family who love it too!  Somehow we all survived the holidays and have a house full of toys to prove it.

After our visit with Kevin’s parents we headed over to Sarasota, Florida to visit more family.  It was a great chance for the kids to see the Gulf of Mexico and to experience white sandy beaches.  When Daniel first saw the white beach he said “Is that snow?”  He had to go feel it to believe it was actually sand.  We also got to go visit the Big Cat Habitat and Sanctuary that had bears, goats, monkeys, lions, tigers, ligers and birds.  We loved it!  It was fun for the kids to see another part of Florida and to visit Pat, Dave and Sam who we love so much.  And to eat Pat’s to die for homemade mac and cheese!  Before we knew it, it was time to leave our beloved Florida and head to Denver to visit some of my family.  All of whom hadn’t met the kids yet.  We got visits in with my 91 year old Grandma, my best friend Tami and her mom, my aunt and uncle, my cousin and her wonderful little boys who I adore, and my stepbrother.  It was a great trip and I was so happy everyone got to meet the kids. 

It’s fun to watch the kids meet their new family members.  At first they just kind of sit back and take everything in and after a little bit it’s as if they have known them all their lives.  It is also awesome to watch our family members embrace the kids and welcome them into the family.  When you think about it it is really kind of a weird situation.  Just out of the blue getting a couple of kids, raising them and being responsible for their every need and want.  Then introducing them to your loved ones who are virtual strangers to them.  Everyone trying to get to know everyone.  But in the end it’s just the simplicity of family. 

Our 3 week trip was full of adventure.  Our first Christmas together, me forgetting to pack enough seizure medication for Jackson, seeing a new part of America, meeting new family members, lots of rental cars, 86 degree weather in Florida, snow in Denver, and a canceled flight.  Agatha Christie summed up our trip when she said “It is astounding in this world how things don’t turn out at all the way you expect them to.”