Lots of things are starting to change here at Fort Klim (as I like to call our house). Well at least ideas of change are starting to form. I’ve said before I am not much a change person, I just don’t like it. What I’m realizing lately is that while change sucks, the anticipation of change is even more sucky. Regardless, change it is inevitable and it is coming.
Jackson has always been a big kid. He was 32 lbs. at nine months. Yes, nine months. He was never a little baby or a little boy. He is 6 now and weighs 67 lbs. He’s heavy and strong. I’m no shorty or weakling but I tell you what, carrying Jackson around is hard. HARD! He doesn’t make it easy either. He won’t wrap his legs around my waist, he arches his back, and often hits me in the face with his flailing arms while I carry him. It’s a lot just to carry him around the house but to get him in the house has become a dilemma. We have stairs. 4 stairs from the garage to the house. 7 stairs from the entry way to the main floor of the house. That’s 11 stairs. It may not seem like much but when you are carrying a wiggly 67 lb. kid up those stairs it’s comparable to last few hundred feet to the summit of Mt. Everest. At least that’s how it feels. My legs and arms are burning and I am out of breath by the time we get to the main floor. Every day gets a little bit harder. The stairs are not something we can modify for a wheelchair. So that is out of the question. What we need is a new house, a rancher with no stairs. What we also need is a winning lottery ticket.
As if needing a new house isn’t enough, we also need a new car. We have a great SUV that was initially easy to get Jackson in and out of. That was 2 years ago. Getting Jackson in and out of the SUV is another feat in and of itself. He also doesn’t like to get in or out. He arches, twists his body, and pushes me away. I can’t tell you how many times I have twisted my back getting that kid in and out of the car, or the amount of curse words I have yelled. Every time I go to the chiropractor he is like “What have you been doing to yourself?” Now we need a van with a wheelchair lift. Anyone have a winning lottery ticket I could borrow?
Then there is Daniel. The social worker is still looking for that “perfect” house for him. Knowing that he is leaving and keeping that from him is really hard. Kevin and I have always tried to be honest with the kids. We feel they deserve that after all they have been through. But in this case we know we need to keep it from him until there is a home in place. It will be way too difficult for him with his anxiety and depression. The holidays are approaching and not knowing what that is going to be like for Daniel and our family is difficult. The whole idea of the unknown for him and us is gut-wrenching. The anticipation of change is worse than change itself.
Our family getting smaller, a new house, a new car. Just a few issues the family who has a special needs and a foster child face. As Gilda Radner said “Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.” I don’t know how delicious it is but there is definitely a sense of ambiguity in our lives right now.