Adoption and Placement

Last week was an eventful week for the Klim family!  So let’s get to it.

As many of you know Sylvia is our foster daughter that came to live with us on March 31, 2013.  What some of you may not know is that about a month after she moved in, her birth mother filed an appeal with the Washington State Court of Appeals to fight her parental rights termination.  After a ridiculous amount of delays and continuances by the attorneys on both sides, the Court of Appeals finally filed their decision at the end of October 2014.  They ruled that her legal rights weren’t violated and that the termination stood.  We were elated, but not for long.  Her attorneys quickly turned around and filed an appeal with the Washington State Supreme Court.  We began to feel that this legal battle was never going to be resolved and that Sylvia would be an adult before we could adopt her.  The Supreme Court doesn’t hear every case filed before them, unlike the Court of Appeals.  On June 2^nd they met to discuss whether or not they would hear the case.  We weren’t sure how long it would take for us to hear their decision but assumed it would be a couple of months.  Instead it only took two days.  Last Thursday I got the call from our attorney that the Supreme Court refused to hear birth mom’s case.  Which means [drumroll please]….we can proceed with adoption!  [Cheers, clapping, jumping for joy, tears, laughter, happy faces] For the last two years this legal mumbo jumbo has hung over our family and prevented a little girl from having her forever family.  When I got the call I literally jumped in the air, danced around the living room and cried.  I didn’t realize what a tremendous weight I had been carrying over this.  I felt so free and light when I got the news.  I instantly called the social worker to tell her the good news and to tell her to get going on the adoption paperwork.  Our attorney also kicked it into high gear to get the paperwork going.  They are working hard to finalize the adoption before we got to Florida on June 29^th.  I don’t know if they will make it but honestly I don’t care.  All that matters is that it is going to happen and that there aren’t any more legal roadblocks. 

Kevin and I were so emotional and excited that day and couldn’t wait to sit Sylvia down and tell her.  I wanted to race to her school and tell her that morning when I found out, but couldn’t do it without Kevin so we had to wait for him to get home.  When we sat Sylvia down that night and told her we had something to tell her she said she knew what is probably was.  I asked her what she thought it was.  She said it was probably about the adoption.  We told her she was right and that the Supreme Court finally made their decision and that we were now able to go through with the adoption.  Her response?  She shrugged her shoulders and said “ok”.  Kevin and I looked at each other and laughed.  She told us that she knew it would happen so it wasn’t a big deal to her.  Aaaahhh to be an innocent child again!  We never really told Sylvia the whole story about what was happening.  We didn’t want to put blame on her birth mother and stir up more issues for her.  So about a year ago when she was asking a lot of questions about when we were going to adopt her, we had her counselor and social worker sit down with us to explain to Sylvia what was happening.  We told her that the judge in Spokane said we could adopt her but that there were other judges who were the bosses of the Spokane judge and they had to look at the case to make sure the Spokane judge followed the law.  Being shielded from all the details and not knowing the risk prevented her from the worry we were going through.  Which is how it should be for a child.  She of course was more excited to hear we were going out to dinner at one of her favorite restaurants to celebrate than she was about being adopted. 

Over the weekend we discussed her name change.  She wants to keep her first and middle name and of course she wants her last name to be Klim.  But we also decided to add another name.  If Jackson had been a girl his name would have been Kira.  That was the name we wanted for our little girl.  So her new name will be Sylvia Storm Kira Klim.  She is pretty excited about that.  Last night Kevin and I signed the court documents for adoption.  We are almost there!

Now on to the Jackson update.  We had our meeting last week regarding Jackson’s placement.  It went well.  There were about 13 people at the meeting.  It was pretty unanimous that where Jackson is at now is not the best place for him.  One of the district reps even made the comment that it seemed Jackson was pretty excluded in his classroom.  He has been.  A couple of things happened in the days leading up to the meeting that reaffirmed this.  I spoke with Jackson’s out of school speech therapist who made the comment that when he visited Jackson in his classroom it was evident that his teacher was a good teacher to “her kids”.  He then said it was very apparent to him that she didn’t consider Jackson to be one of her kids.  That broke my heart.  The day before our meeting I picked Jackson up from school to take him to horse riding therapy.  When I asked his paraeducator how his day was her reply was “He was too happy, to the point that it just didn’t work for us.”  SERIOUSLY!!!  She was complaining that Jackson was “too happy”.  I get complaints when he is unhappy, now I get a complaint that he is too happy.  I wanted to slap her.  When I told these two stories in the meeting I started to cry.  I promised myself I wasn’t going to cry!  But the reality of these comments really hurt.  It hurt because Jackson is such a sweet, loving little boy.  For them to not see that and appreciate who he is tore at my heart.  And for them not to teach him and ensure he is learning angers me.

The decision we made was to move Jackson to a different school.  While I hate moving him around, I definitely don’t want him at that school anymore.  Kevin and I will go to his new school this week to visit and observe.  At this point we are thinking Jackson will be moving between two classrooms.  One where he will work more academically and one where there will be some inclusion, field trips, and more one on one for him.  I think it is a good solution and one I hope will give Jackson what he needs to succeed.  I was happy that the district listened to the concerns, recognized them and was willing to think out of the box and not place Jackson somewhere he didn’t belong. 

All in all it has been an emotionally exhausting week at the Klim’s.   But progress has been made all around!  As Christopher Nuttall said “Concentrate on the here and now.  The future can take care of itself.”

A Well Kept Secret

My Dad had a lot of sayings.  Many of them politically incorrect.  But they were his sayings and I grew up hearing them, and now that he is gone, laughing at them.  If my Dad was still here I think he would describe the last month of my life as “One hell of a shit storm.”  He would be right.

 

Kevin and I own a piece of property on the South Hill in Spokane, right in the middle of the city.  It’s an amazing piece of land.  A little over an acre with a nearly 115 year old carriage house to an old mansion (that is long gone), another building that has a mother-in-law type quarters, a two car garage with attached shop/laundry room, and more trees and foliage that you can envision.  Our realtor who has been in the business nearly 20 years said she has never seen anything like it in Spokane.   Our dream was to someday build a house on the back of the property that would accommodate Jackson and his wheelchair.  However, the city recently let us know that they won’t allow us to do that.  So we decided to sell our beloved property.  We’ve rented both houses out for the last 5 or so years.  Now our renters are all moved out and we have it on the market.  But after 5 years of neglecting the land and renters living in the houses there are more projects to do than I can count.  For the last month I have spent nearly every free second over there washing windows, cleaning bathrooms and kitchens, painting the houses and garage, weeding, raking, restoring gardens, mowing, trimming, and any other yard and house work you can imagine.  Kevin’s been equally busy working the land and making numerous trips to the dump with all the yard waste I produce.  Needless to say I am sick of it and I still have at least a month of work to do over there.  It’s been a big stressor.  That along with the end of the school year (why do schools wait until the end of the year to have all of their activities?!), Jackson’s therapy and doctor appointments, Sylvia’s band concerts and field trips, and the day to day stuff to maintain our house that we live in, it’s been a bit much.  Then one day last week a phone call just added to the incredible stress I have been feeling and my Dad’s saying rang true.

Unless you have a child in special education you can’t imagine the struggle we go through to get our children the education they are legally obligated too.  It’s a well-kept secret among us special needs parents.  I just send Sylvia off to school every day and she is safe, educated, and there are no hassles.  Sending Jackson off to school is a whole different story.  Is he safe?  I hope so.  But I don’t really know because he is non-verbal and can’t tell me.  I will tell you he comes home sometimes with bruises that I don’t know how he got.  There was a trip to the ER last month when he fell off the changing table in the bathroom and cut his eyelid open.  But what did he hit his eye on?  Who knows?  No one could tell me.  Not only that, but I had to ask for an incident report, one wasn’t written automatically after the accident.  Once, Daniel got hit with a ball on the back of his head so they wrote one up for him and called me right away.  He was completely fine.  But a trip to the ER and possible stitches?  No report.  As far as him learning, well that is a whole new topic.  A sad one.  That one entails an amount of energy I liken to preparing for war.  And really, it is a war.  A war where I have to fight for Jackson to get an education that he is legally entitled to.  I keep saying “legally entitled” and I say that because there are laws specific to kids like Jackson.  There are state laws that are generally based on the federal law which is called IDEA (Individuals with Disabilities Education Act).  These laws dictate what, where and how kids like Jackson should be educated.  It has protections to ensure that they aren’t just thrown into a room and babysat all day.  For example, one that we are fighting is Jackson’s entitlement to be taught in the “least restrictive environment”.  This means that he has a right to be taught in the general education classroom with normally developing peers and he can have accommodations and modifications (i.e. an aide, learning different material than the rest of the class).  If he isn’t able to be successful in that classroom then he can be removed periodically or completely into some sort of special education classroom setting.  But in Jackson’s case, the school district didn’t do that.  Instead they told me that he didn’t qualify for general education, which is illegal.  They then farmed him out to a segregated special education classroom where he spends 99% of his day.  He eats lunch, has music class and library in that classroom.  He was never given the opportunity in the general education classroom.  So back in February I asked the teacher and principal for inclusion in the general education classroom.  I wanted Jackson to spend at least a little time every day with his normally developing peers.  They both agreed that it was something we could pursue.  I was so excited!  Finally, I thought Jackson was going to get out of that classroom and have more opportunities to learn.  I heard nothing for the next couple of months so in April I sent them an email asking to meet again to discuss inclusion.  We set up a meeting for mid-May.  Then I got a call a few days before the meeting from his teacher asking to move the meeting to June.  I reluctantly agreed, it was a little late in the school year to meet but I was really trying to be cooperative (kill them with kindness!).  Then she mentioned that a school district special education representative would be at the meeting.  At first I was happy to hear that because I thought we were really going to make a plan for inclusion.  The next day I flew to Seattle for a meeting and as I flew over the beautiful Cascade mountain range and Mt. Rainier I started to question what this meeting was really about.  For some reason, I just had a bad feeling.  Later that day I called the special education director at the school district who has been a driving force for me this past year to fight for inclusion.  She has been amazing and supportive.  I told her what was happening and that I had a bad feeling.  So she hung up and went to find out what was going on for me.  It turned out that our meeting wasn’t about inclusion, instead the district has plans to move Jackson to a more restrictive and less educational environment. 

We have struggled all year with is teacher not being able to teach him.  I have allowed his educational goals to really be dumbed down in an effort for her to figure out how to be successful in teaching him.  It’s been frustrating to watch Jackson not learn like he should have this year.  I have done everything I can to motivate and implore her to explore various learning options.  I even worked with another teacher in a different school who knows how to teach kids like Jackson.  I got district permission for this teacher to take a half day out of his classroom to come to Jackson’s and work with him and his teacher to come up with some learning goals.  His teacher was receptive to this and has even implemented some of the goals.  I can tell they have been beneficial for Jackson.  About a month ago we met for our parent/teacher conference and Jackson’s teacher said she didn’t think her classroom was the right place for Jackson.  She then said to me “You don’t really think Jackson will ever write his name or anything do you?”  I couldn’t believe it.  I told her that nine months ago I would have never imagined Jackson walking on his knees and me having to buy baby gates for my house.  But yet, he is and I did.  I have no idea what that little monkey is going to do in a week let alone a year.  So I told her “I’m not going to write my kid off in Kindergarten.”  Which was apparent to me she was doing.  While I don’t think her classroom is the best one for Jackson, I know for sure that this placement the district is suggesting is absolutely NOT where Jackson should be.  The question is whether or not we can find a solution.

As if having a child with disabilities isn’t hard enough, the school districts want to fight parents on every little thing.  Why?  Because it costs them money.  Inclusion costs money.  Having an aide costs money.  Accommodations cost money.  So they break the laws and deny our children services simply because that is what they have done for years and have gotten away with it.  Fighting a school district or reporting them for violations is expensive, exhausting and can be detrimental to the child.  More often than not parents just give in to the district to avoid the expense.  Sadly, some parents don’t know enough about the laws and rights of their students to object.  Even more upsetting is that the school districts often count on that being the case.  It’s troubling, and it’s happening all over our country to thousands of children and their parents.  But unless you’re in the war zone, you don’t hear about it. 

When I got the call they were moving Jackson I was in the Seattle airport waiting for my flight home after spending the day in a meeting where we were ironically discussing new professional standards for paraeducators in special education classrooms.  I used every ounce of energy I had left that day to not cry in the airport.  I made it to Spokane and was able to walk to my car before the tears hit and stayed pretty much until I went to bed that night.  How dare they treat my son like this?  How dare they imply that my son isn’t worthy enough to be in a learning environment?  How dare they place my son in a “classroom” (I use that term lightly) where every Friday is movie day?  Jackson doesn’t even watch movies at home.  The only thing he likes to watch is Seattle Seahawks football (yup, my kid is awesome!).  It took a couple of days of tears and sadness on my part to rally.  Rallying I am.  I have probably spent 6 hours in the last week reading the law (both federal and state), preparing our argument with documentation to back it up, creating and writing an education vision for Jackson with Kevin, and calling, meeting and emailing with district representatives to discuss district procedures and operations.  I met with one of the district reps this week to discuss Jackson and implored her to begin thinking out of the box.  After all, Jackson has always been an out of the box kind of kid.  I’m not done yet.  There are still more hours of work ahead for me before we meet. 

I’m exhausted but ready to fight for Jackson.  If they want to mess with my kid, they are going to have to go through me first.  As Kevin said, we will do whatever we have to to fight for our son.  If we have to break the bank and hire an attorney we will.  I will not allow my son to be treated as less of a person because he has disabilities.  Jackson CAN and WILL learn.  Next Thursday we will meet.  Send us your positive thoughts and even though I am not a praying kind of person, say a few prayers for Jackson.  In the meantime I am hanging on to the words of Harriet Beecher Stowe, “When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.”

Annoyed and Proud

I will obviously never forget the day we sat in the doctor’s office and got Jackson’s diagnosis.  In many ways it was all a blur, in others there was so much clarity.  One thing that always stuck out in my mind was when the doctor said Jackson may never walk.  He followed that with pointing out that fact that the balance part of Jackson’s brain looked really good so there may be a chance he would walk.  That little comment was one thing I held onto that day.  As time went on and Jackson showed no signs of wanting or trying to walk, I would always think in the back of my mind “well, maybe, someday, he might.”  There’s that expression “Be careful what you wish for.”  Yup, be careful.

Many months ago Jackson was sitting on the floor and all of the sudden stood up on his knees.  It was awesome!  But typical Jackson form, he didn’t do again for quite a while.  Then he did.  Before we knew it he was on his knees a lot.  Then came the day he took a couple of steps with his knees and promptly fell down.  Again, time passed.  A new day came and Jackson again started trying to walk on his knees.  We would try anything to get him to take a few steps.  Before we knew it the two steps had turned into 5, which turned into 10.  We would bribe him with food to make him walk to get it.  He would always want that food and would walk however many steps he needed to get to it.  Now our once stationary kid whose immediate world was just an arms length away, is now all over the house.  I couldn’t be prouder!  Nor more annoyed.

Now that he is mobile his favorite place is the kitchen.  He likes to swipe all the pictures off the fridge, pound on the pantry door, and glue himself to my leg when I cook.  Lately he tries to reach things and pull them off the counter top.  I can’t take my eyes off of him!  I finally went and bought a baby gate to keep him out of the kitchen while I cook.  Pots of boiling water, knives on the counter and opening the oven are not conducive to Jackson‘s safety.   He doesn’t like that baby gate and he makes sure we know about it!  Was I happy to spend the $30 for that baby gate?  You know it!  I never envisioned needing a baby gate to keep Jackson out of the kitchen.  Now we are discussing getting another one for the stairs.  He has been making his way over to the stairs more and more lately.  Luckily we have caught him in time before he plunges down them, but we need to do something and fast. 

For spring break this year I took Sylvia and Jackson to Seattle and Olympia for the week.  We stayed in a couple of different hotels where space was limited for Jackson to move.  But move he did.  Every morning after I got out of the shower, Jackson would walk from the bedroom area to the bathroom to hang out with me while I got ready.  It was adorable.  Sometimes he had to maneuver around suitcases and his wheelchair, but he got to me every time.  After a while he would get bored and move back to the bedroom area where his sister was.  To see him walking around the hotel room was quite the sight.

This weekend I was working around the house and suddenly realized Jackson was no longer in the living room.  I could hear him but wasn’t sure where he was.  I found him in my closet, just sitting in the middle of the floor of our walk-in closet.  Eventually he decided to lay down under Kevin’s clothes and disappeared into the fabric abyss.  All you could see were his feet sticking out from the clothes.  I wanted to cry.  He had left the living room on his own, found a new part of the house he never really saw, and was entertaining himself.  He is exploring and with exploring comes learning.  It was awesome! 

Sometimes I look at my little boy and I wonder what he is thinking.  What does he think of his life?  Is he happy?  Does he want something I don’t know about?  What does he want for dinner?  How was his day at school?  Because he is non-verbal there is so much I don’t understand about Jackson.  Unfortunately, I think this makes me underestimate him at times.  But watching him learn how to walk on his knees all by himself has shown me how much courage that kid has.  Courage to trust his body, a body that notoriously works against him.  Courage to go to new places that might seem kind of scary at first.  Courage to keep trying no matter how many times he loses his balance and falls.  While his newfound mobility has led to me being repeatedly annoyed, I also don’t think I have even been prouder of him.  Anais Nin said “Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.”  Jackson’s life has surely expanded because of his courage.  The world is a bigger place to him.  Now that he is realizing that, maybe in a few years I will be writing a post about Jackson walking on his feet for the first time.  For Jackson, my mystery child, there are many unwritten chapters to come. 

Wide Open Spaces

When I was in 3^rd grade I came home from school one day and my Mom patted me on the head and said “Tell your Dad I left him.”  And off she went.  My parents were both alcoholics and our home life was, well, grim.  I remember thinking I didn’t want my Mom to leave.  I also remember thinking that maybe there would finally be some peace in our house.  At the time we lived in Emmett, Idaho.  It was the 70’s and a single man raising his young daughter was pretty unheard of back then.  Dad and I had to learn how to do laundry, clean the house, and cook (which neither of us could figure out).  It was a tough few months but we got through it, together.  That’s why my Dad was always my best friend, my biggest supporter and even after Kevin and Jackson arrived in my life, my main man. 

A few months after Mom left, my Dad told me we were moving to Colorado.  He worked for the Bureau of Reclamation and had gotten a transfer and a promotion.  I wasn’t happy to leave, not at all.  I made sure Dad knew that.  But he argued we needed a new start and whether I wanted to admit it or not, we did.  I remember the day we arrived in Grand Lake, Colorado.  Grand Lake is a very small town in the midst of the beautiful Rocky Mountains.  The car we were driving was some fancy Chevy that was a convertible (looking back it was probably my Dad’s mid-life crisis car).  The first thing we did was sell that car and buy a truck.  We really had no clue what living in the mountains of Colorado meant.  The only stores open in town were the school, post office, grocery store, liquor store/hardware store and the bar/restaurant.  The next town over was 20 miles away and if you really needed anything you drove two hours to Denver to do your shopping.  It was a shock.  Not that Emmett was that big but it was like New York City compared to Grand Lake.  So began our life in the mountains and the wide open spaces. 

As a little kid I didn’t really think too much about being so isolated.  As a teenager I appreciated the beauty of the mountains, but began to hate the “boring” old town, with nothing to do, that we lived in.  We had to drive an hour to Winter Park to go to a movie.  An hour!  I couldn’t wait to graduate and move somewhere bigger.  And eventually I did.  I ended up going to college in Denver.  I finally lived in the city!  I hated it.  The traffic, the noise, the abundance of people.  It was just too much for me.  As soon as I graduated I headed west and through many turn of events found my home in Spokane, Washington.  I was actually born here in Spokane but I was adopted at birth and my parents didn’t live here.  Spokane is really the first place I have ever felt that I was “home” in.  It just seems to be in my blood that this is where I should be.  I never really missed Grand Lake.  There were a lot of memories there – some good, some not so good – but it was just a place I lived as a kid.  Then my stepmom Sandy died and wanted her ashes spread in Grand Lake.  So I headed back to that little town and something weird happened.  I realized I missed it.  Really missed it.  The mountains, the lakes, the quiet, the creaky sound of the boardwalk as I walked through town.  I felt like I had come home, which I had.  Then I realized I’m a dual citizen.  I’m a mountain/city girl.  How is that possible? 

That was in August 2012 and ever since then I have had an internal battle going on.  I love Spokane, but I hear the wide open spaces calling me.  It’s the old saying – “You can take the girl out of the mountains but you can’t take the mountains out of the girl.”  I know in my head that we can’t really move off to the mountains.  With a kiddo like Jackson I want to make sure we are close to good medical centers, doctors and therapists.  I also want to be in a place where the ambulance can come quickly if need be.  Not 30 minutes away.  But I feel a change coming.  Last weekend the kids and I were shopping at Costco and I saw this book called “Farm Anatomy, The Curious Parts & Pieces of Country Life”.  I just had to have it.  I showed it to Kevin when we got home and he looked at me and said “Who are you?”  I don’t know!  I’m a city girl who all of the sudden wants to buy some acreage, have some pigs, goats, chickens, rabbits, and maybe even a cow who all live in a big red barn that has a hay loft where I could go read a book.  I want mud boots.  I want to work the land. I want to get up early and feed the animals.  I want to plant a giant garden and share it with my neighbors, who don’t live 15 feet on either side of me.  The great thing about Spokane is that it is a city that is somewhat contained.  There are wide open spaces just a few miles out of the city limits.  In fact there are thousands of acres of rolling hills in the beautiful Palouse less than a half hour away.  Can we find some land close to town that will satisfy my dual citizenship?  Do we move west where there are giant mountains, ocean water, the Capitol building and new beginnings?  Or is Colorado calling me back home?  I don’t know nor do I know why I am even writing all of this.  Maybe I just needed to vent my internal battle and throw it out there.  Or perhaps I’m vocalizing this feeling that I’ve had lately that big changes are ahead for the Klim clan.  Whatever it is I have said it out loud and thrown it out to internet land.  As James Thurber said “It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers.”  Now let’s see what happens. 

A New Chapter

The past month and a half has gone by so quickly.  It is hard to wrap my head around all the changes that are happening in our home and lives right now.  We have definitely started a new chapter while additional new chapters await in the sidelines. 

On January 28^th Daniel moved out of our home.  It was the day I flew to Seattle for 3 days of meetings and a visit to the Capitol.  We only found out the day before that he was going to finally be moved out.  As I was frantically packing for my trip and putting together my presentation for my legislators, I couldn’t stop crying.  We told the social worker back in September that Daniel needed to leave our home.  We were very patient while she looked for a home for him.  As the months wore on and nothing happened I started to feel like he was never going to leave us.  His behavior was increasingly worse and so was my ability to deal with his behaviors.  After our trip to Florida I let the social worker know that he had to leave by the end of January.  As January moved forward there was still no home for him.  I resigned myself to the fact that he wasn’t leaving.  Then the call came and there was a spot in a group home so the social worker took it.  It was quick.  Despite the fact that we knew it was going to come, and we had been hoping it would come, it was still difficult.  So much time, love and energy was put into Daniel and trying to help him.  It was hard to admit that it was all coming to an end.  Since he moved into a group home all he could take was a suitcase of clothes.  As we packed him up that night, Sylvia and Daniel picked out what clothes he would take while I put them in his suitcase, I cried the whole time.  The next morning I flew to Seattle and drove to Olympia for my meetings.  While at home, Daniel was spending his last morning in our home.  One of my legislators is a strong advocate for foster children.  When I met with him that afternoon he asked how my foster kids were.  The tears started.  He had no idea what that day meant for me.  I explained to him what was happening and he was very understanding.  I was able to pull myself together and in retrospect I think it was best I was so busy that day and wasn’t at home.  After school the social worker came and picked up Daniel and he officially left our home.  2 days later I came home to a new home.  A home that is so much more peaceful, quiet, relaxing and happy for me.  I no longer worry where Jackson is in comparison to where Daniel is.  I know the animals are safe.  I see Sylvia as a happier child.  I feel like a weight is off my shoulders.  While it was probably the most difficult decision I ever had to make, having Daniel leave our home was no doubt the right one.  Sylvia still sees Daniel every day at school and I see him when I drop her off.  He calls us to talk on the phone about once a week.  He came over last weekend for dinner.  He is still a part of our lives.  He always will be.  The task at hand now is figuring out exactly how he fits in to our lives and how that is going to look.  In the meantime our house has been reconfigured.  Sylvia didn’t want to be in her room in the basement all by herself so she moved upstairs with the rest of us.  Her pink room is now our guest room.  Daniel’s blue room is now Kevin’s office.  Two weeks of moving rooms all around and adjusting to the new dynamics has been tiring but I think our family is getting settled in.  It’s a new chapter in the Klim family book and so far it is one of my favorites.

Some upcoming chapters in our life include Sylvia’s impending adoption.  Sylvia’s birth mom filed an appeal with the Court of Appeals and lost.  Her attorneys turned around and filed an appeal in the Supreme Court.  We should hear from the Supreme Court in the next couple of months if they will hear her case.  If they do not, we will be free to adopt.  If they do it will be another 2 years or so before we get a decision.  Keep those fingers crossed for us that they don’t want to hear it!  Kevin recently applied for a new job so that is another chapter waiting to be written.  My sister moved to Portland this week.  We have lived in the same area for 19 years, at one point living just a few blocks from each other.  She, and my nephews, are the reason I left Colorado and came to the Pacific Northwest.  A new chapter in her book, the end of one in mine.  This past week I had a wonderful meeting with Jackson’s school team, including the principal, to talk about his upcoming educational goals.  I also asked that Jackson have some inclusion next year.  Currently he is segregated in his special education classroom all day.  He has a wonderful teacher and amazing aides who are awesome and I feel so thankful for.  But the fact remains that he is segregated and I don’t like it nor do I think it will benefit him in the long run.  The team was very receptive and in the next couple of months we will start exploring where Jackson fits in best during the day with his general education peers.  Another big chapter in Jackson’s story.  We’ve decided to sell the home and property where Kevin and I began our married life and where we brought Jackson home from the hospital.  We currently rent out the two houses on the property but feel it is time to sell and let it go.  We will probably have to sell the house we live in soon too.  I can’t get Jackson up and down the stairs without a great deal of effort.  And we still need that wheelchair minivan.   Lots of chapters that I think will be written in the next year or so. 

The chapters of our life are numerous.  Some are memorable, some aren’t.  Some of them shape us into the people we become.  Others break a part of who we are.  Regardless, all chapters are important because they are our story.  This last month has reminded me that our stories are constantly changing and our lives are a work in progress.  As Albert Einstein said “Life is like riding a bicycle.  To keep your balance, you must keep moving.”

The Best Christmas Present

We have returned home from our Christmas vacation to Colorado and Florida.  It was as peaceful and relaxing as I was hoping it would be.  We managed to escape germ infestations on the plane and came and went as healthy as can be.  Our flights were relatively uneventful except for some delays and the airline losing Jackson’s car seat (but hey, they bought us a new one so I can’t complain).  All in all it was a fabulous vacation and for the first time ever I was sad to see the kids go back to school.  I miss hanging out with my adventure buddies Sylvia and Jackson.

The day before we left the social worker came and picked Daniel up to take him to the foster family he would be spending the Christmas break with.  I stood out in the front yard waving goodbye to him and crying.  I cried for about an hour after he left.  I felt so sad and guilty.  The next morning we got on the plane and as we settled into our seats I felt like I was flying away from a pile of stress and unhappiness.  I was relieved.  It was so nice to spend time with my friends and family in Denver.  We only had 2 days but it was such a great time for me.  Being able to see all the faces of those I love and to be in Denver with a view of the Rocky Mountains where I grew up just filled me with happiness. 

A beautiful thing happened when we were in Denver.  My friend LaPrell and I took the kids out to dinner at my favorite restaurant in Denver, Sweet Tomatoes, or as Sylvia calls it “The Lots of Tomatoes Place”.  We were just sitting there eating our dinner when a little boy and his father came over to our table.  The father explained to us that his son wanted to know if he could meet Jackson.  The amazing thing was that Jackson up until that point was just sitting in his wheelchair calmly eating his dinner.  But when this little boy came over and said hi to Jackson he just lit up!  He started laughing and wiggling around in his chair.  He was obviously excited to meet a new friend.   The little boy was so sweet and asked a lot of questions about Jackson and wanted his picture taken with him.  It was just another reminder to me of how much love Jackson brings into our life.  One of my favorite things is meeting kind strangers who simply appear out of nowhere because of Jackson’s presence.  It was our first day of vacation and it set the tone for the next two weeks. 

Before I knew it we were on the plane headed for Florida and Kevin’s beautiful family.  The two weeks went by so fast but it was a time for me to really reflect and experience what the future holds for our family.  Daniel requires so much attention and his behavior creates a lot of stress in our home.  To not have that for 2 weeks was liberating.  I finally got to just hang out with Jackson and Sylvia.  Kevin had work to do while we were there so I would take the kids out of the house for a few hours every day on adventures.  Just spending time with them seemed like a guilty pleasure.  We went to the movies, leisurely walked around the toy department at Target playing with toys, went out to lunch quite a few times, somehow ended up in Cocoa Beach after playing cat and mouse with the rain clouds and explored a new town, and visited the beach.  We had so much fun together and having time to build memories with them was priceless.  Most importantly I got to see what our family life will be like in the near future and I have something beautiful to look forward to. 

The best Christmas gift I got this year arrived on Christmas day in the form of a phone call.  We had been calling Daniel every other day but had only been talking to him.  On Christmas I got a chance to talk to the foster mom whose house he was staying at.  Our conversation was focused on how it wasn’t going well with Daniel.  His behavior was disrupting their home and causing a lot of stress.  We talked for about 30 minutes and everything she told me was the same problems we have with him.  The arguing, the aggression, the lack of caring for others, the narcissism.  Talking with her lifted a giant weight off my shoulders that I have been carrying.  For the first time I realized it wasn’t me.  I wasn’t a failure in parenting Daniel.  Daniel’s behaviors aren’t a result of something I am doing wrong.  IT ISN’T ME!!!!!!!!!  What a Christmas present!  To finally have peace within me that while I may not be the best parent, I know that the problems we have with Daniel are not because of what I am doing or failing to do.  This foster mom has been a foster mom for years.  She has had a lot of children in her home and has seen a lot of behaviors and troubles.  To hear her say that Daniel is a lot to handle and that there is just something not right with him brought me so much relief.  I know that sounds weird but for months I have carried this heavy burden of guilt that I am a failure and Daniel is suffering because of it.  To be released from that was the best gift anyone could ever give me.  Not taking Daniel on our trip was one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make, but now I know it was worth it.  I had 2 glorious weeks of peace, happiness and relaxation.  My batteries got recharged and knowing Daniel is just the way he is, not because of me, gives me the insight I need to forge ahead until a home is found for him.  Hopefully sooner rather than later. 

Now a little about the star of the blog…..Jackson.  I love that kid so dang much.  I think he needed a break too.  He needed to go to the beach, his happy place.  He did amazing on the numerous plane rides.  He loved going on adventures, he just sat back and went along for the ride.  One thing I noticed now that I had some time to focus on him was how much he was moving.  He just can’t sit still.  He is go, go, go all the time.  Never in one spot for more than 2 seconds.  I was delighted to see how much he was moving.  He is getting braver with walking on his knees and is taking more steps.  He is also really starting to weight bear on his weak left arm.  He is getting in the crawling position more and more and rocking forward.  I also noticed that he is wanting to be part of what is happening.  On our adventure to Cocoa Beach he was in the back seat of the truck and Sylvia was up front with me.  He kept leaning forward to put his chin on the seat back so he could be “up front” with us.  He just wants to be with his family.  We also worked on learning colors a lot while we were in Florida.  Mainly because of his CVI we are working on red and yellow.  He was getting them right about 80% of the time.  Everyone has always said that he was a smart kid, but it has just been a matter of learning how to teach him.  I think (and hope) things are starting to click for him. 

It’s been a busy and revealing holiday season.  A new year is here and I feel strong and hopeful for what it may bring.  Most importantly I feel like I got a little piece of me back on Christmas.  As Benjamin Franklin said “A good conscience is a continual Christmas."

Falling

Have you ever felt like your life is in a spiral and you are in the middle of it falling?  That is how I have been feeling this last month.  Just when Jackson got better, a new round of sickness hit our house.  There was a roller coaster of emotions with Daniel finding a potential new home.  There was a broken truck, broken washer, and an ER visit, all in one week.  One thing after another has left me feeling like I am falling and can’t stop myself. 

The flu hit our house shortly after Thanksgiving.  It started with Sylvia, hit me, moved to Kevin, and has housed itself in Jackson on and off for a couple of weeks.  I feel like our house should be wrapped in plastic and anyone brave enough to enter should be in an Ebola protection outfit.  I’ve gone through 2 big bottles of Lysol, countless bleach wipes and have been keeping our back door open despite the 30 degree temps so fresh air can come in.    I think (knock on wood) that we may be on the tail end of it.   Having said that, we are getting ready to get on a plane to Florida so I am sure there are some germs just waiting for us there.   That’s my pessimistic prediction. 

Despite the illnesses, the past month has been emotionally difficult for me.  As most of you know Kevin and I decided back in September that Daniel wasn’t going to be able to live with us permanently.  We have to protect Jackson from Daniel hurting him and we just don’t feel we can do that with him in our home.  For me, there is a mother’s feeling that Daniel is just not a good fit for us.  None of it is his fault.  He had a crappy start at life.  That crappiness has created so many diagnosis in a little 8 year old boy that I have lost track of all of them.  AD/HD, anxiety, depression, oppositional defiant disorder, attachment disorder, PTSD are just some of them.  He’s a difficult kid to live with.  Even harder when you already have a child with special needs that requires a lot of attention.  I wish I could have gotten Daniel as a baby.  Maybe we could have prevented some of these things from happening to him.  But we didn’t and I don’t have the resources or personal ability to change them.  I wish I did.  When we met Daniel and Sylvia I naively thought all he needed was a loving mom.  I thought that would be enough, but it wasn’t.  Now, I can’t even call myself a loving mom.  I’m more of a broken down, frustrated, snappy, impatient mom.  I’m not good for him at this point.  I have lost my ability to really be there for him in a supportive way.  It’s hard to admit.  And I know some of you who are my close friends and family are thinking that maybe I am being hard on myself but I know the truth.  I’ve spent the last month doing a lot of soul searching and really taking a look at myself.  I don’t like what I’ve become.  I am patient and loving with Sylvia and Jackson, I am a good mom to them.  But with Daniel I have shut down for some reason.  I am carrying a lot of guilt and I am grieving for the relationship I thought I would have with Daniel.  In my weakest moment a couple of weeks ago I laid on my living room floor and cried for 3 hours.  That was the day I picked up the phone and called an organization that works with foster parents so I could talk to someone.  I’m glad I did.  I found a couple of other foster moms who have went through similar situations.  What I learned from these women is that I am not alone.  That there have been other families who have had to let a child go because of safety reasons.  That we are doing what is best for our family and that I’m not awful for saying Daniel needs to leave.  After talking with them, taking a hard look at myself and trying to make sense of this hideous situation, I have started to heal a little bit.  I accept that Daniel is not a good fit for us, that I have to put Jackson’s safety first.  No matter our good intentions of taking Daniel in to our home, it just didn’t work out. 

This morning I went to Sylvia and Daniel’s parent teacher conferences.  Afterward, we had about ½ hour before school started.  Sylvia went to her classroom to help her teacher and I took Daniel downstairs and let him have a second breakfast.  We sat at the table just talking and hanging out.  It was the first time in a couple of months that I felt a glimmer of hope that even though he was leaving our home, we could still have a relationship and that he would still be a son to me in our own unconventional way. 

A couple of weeks before Thanksgiving the social worker let us know that she found a permanent placement for Daniel.  The social worker came to our home and let Daniel know he wouldn’t be staying with us permanently.  He was a little sad and asked if he could stay.  When the social worker explained to him that he couldn’t stay he took it fairly well.  Mostly he just wanted to go play.  The next day Daniel met the new family.  They loved each other right away.  Then a couple of days before his first overnight visit with them they changed their minds.  It was devastating.  The social worker explained to Daniel that she decided that that wasn’t the right family for him, essentially taking the blame for it.  She’s awesome!  Unfortunately telling Daniel he wouldn’t be staying with us has caused some more unpleasant behavior.  We decided that we just need a break.  I am at my wit’s end and I just need some time with Kevin, Jackson and Sylvia to relax.  Our house is overstressed.  The social worker found a good family who live on a big farm where Daniel will go for Christmas break.  The rest of us will go to Colorado and Florida.  Another reason for guilt.  But in all honesty if we take Daniel with us, the stress of his behavior management may send me over the edge.  I want to not have to worry about where Daniel is on a constant basis to make sure he isn’t near Jackson.  Being on a 100% of the time is exhausting.   It is time that my family of 4 have a relaxing, peaceful vacation.  Daniel wasn’t upset that he wouldn’t be with us.  He is looking forward to being on the farm.  I guess that is a good part of attachment disorder.  He’s not attached to us so he won’t miss us.  That’s still hard for me to wrap my head around, but it is what it is.  I’m learning to accept it.

We leave Saturday and will spend a couple of days in Denver visiting my family then fly to Florida for 13 glorious days.  I am anxious to see my cousin’s four beautiful boys, for my father-in-law’s giant bear hugs, the arrival of Kevin’s big family for Christmas, feeling the sand on my feet, the smell of the ocean, the sound of the waves, and the absolute peace that Jackson’s face displays when we go to the beach.  His face says it all, peace and love.  Isn’t that what Christmas is supposed to be about? 

“Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.” – Reinhold Niebuhr