Damn Mysteries

The other day Daniel asked me if had been a year since he and Sylvia came to live with us.  I laughed and said “No but it feels that way some days!”  He laughed and said “Yup it seems like forever!”  I had to do the math to realize they have been with us for a short 5 ½ months.  And what a 5 ½ months it has been.  Being a parent is hard.  Being a parent of foster children is kind of surreal.  I’ve read 9 gigantic files on the kids and know their history according to the State of Washington.  But there is so much I don’t know.  Since they are young, they don’t remember a lot and can’t tell me what I want to know.  Typical to my life as a mom, I have two more children who are a mystery to me.

The stories I know of the kids are stories that I don’t think they need to know, yet.  Someday we will tell them their history, but for now they don’t need to know the details.  They need to be kids and have a childhood filled with good memories, not the ones they were so unfairly given.  The truth is, it’s hard.  Whenever I tell them a story of Jackson as a baby they want to hear more.  I know they were wishing I had stories of them.  So do I.  I wish I knew what they were like as babies.  I so wish I had a baby story to tell them.  The first few years of their life may never fully be told.  That’s hard for me to grasp, I can’t imagine what they must think about it. 

All we can do is go forward.  What I have found the last few months is that is easier said than done.  Becoming a mom to 2 children ages 7 and 9 is kind of like marrying someone after only knowing them for a couple of months.  They are so wonderful.  Then you get married and realize they don’t put the cap on the toothpaste, have terrible aim at the toilet, leave their dirty underwear on the floor and their dishes in the sink.  Reality sets in.  You begin to wonder what the hell you were thinking.  But you made this commitment and you aren’t backing out of it.  There are tough days.  Days when you go to bed thinking you have failed repeatedly throughout the day.  Days when you wish you could take back about 1000 things you did or said.  Then there are awesome days.  Days when you realize you are making a difference in their lives.  Days when you realize you are giving them a life they could never imagine would happen.  Days when you built memories you know they won’t forget.  Highs and lows.  What I try to remember though is that we are still in our honeymoon period and that we are all learning as we go.  We will get to our cohesive place someday.  In the meantime I keep in mind the advice of Nelson Mandela who said “What counts in life is not the mere fact that we have lived.  It is what difference we have made to the lives of others that will determine the significance of the life we lead.”  Well said President Mandela.