Screaming

It’s the million dollar question.  Why does everything have to be so hard?  Who hasn’t asked this question at some point in their life?  It seems to be a question I have been asking myself a lot lately. 

Last weekend Jackson and I headed off to Coeur d’Alene to check out an indoor waterpark for his birthday party.  Coeur d’Alene is only about 40 minutes away.  It’s a drive we have done many times before.  No big deal.  Except this time it was.  Jackson decided he didn’t want to go for a drive.  Usually he does great in the car and loves to just look out the window, sing along to the music and chill.  But not this time.  He’s been going through a stage lately where he just screams and yells if he doesn’t want to do something.  Doesn’t want to be in his high chair anymore after eating – screams.  Doesn’t want to be put on the floor – screams.  Doesn’t want to be in his stander – screams.  Doesn’t want to stop eating when the food is gone – screams.  Mommy is so sick of it she wants to SCREAM!  So we are driving along and Jackson decides he doesn’t want to be in the car so the screaming starts.  I get maybe 10 miles from Coeur d’Alene when I give up and turn around.  I just couldn’t take it anymore.  By the time we get home I am in tears.  “Why does it have to be so hard?” I keep asking myself.   Is it too much to ask to go check out a waterpark?  Is it too much to expect to be able to run a few errands without Jackson’s screaming objection?  I’m just so tired. 

When we got home, I walked in the house, put Jackson in his bed, closed his door, sat on the couch and cried.  Jackson’s screaming is frustrating me to no end.  But it isn’t just about that.  Once I start unloading to my husband, it turns out there is a whole list of things dragging me down.  Going to Denver every month to see my stepmom may seem like a mini-vacation but I spend most of my time there crying.  Watching her die is brutal.  It breaks my heart to no end.  Plus being around her reminds of my Dad.  Sometimes when I am there with Sandy and I feel like bursting out in tears because of how much she has declined, I can feel my Dad’s hand on my shoulder and I can hear him say “There’s nothing you can do about it Honey, you just have to take care of her.”  So I swallow down the tears and wait until I leave her to cry in the car.  Why does everything have to be so hard?”  Missing my Dad, Sandy dying, normal stresses in my daily life along with some recent new stresses, and trying to figure out how to deal with Jackson’s screaming fits has me at my wits end lately.  This load I’m bearing is really killing my back, well actually carrying Jackson around is what is killing my back. 

Recently I heard a song called Moments by Emerson Drive.  There is a line in that song that says there are “Moments when I knew I did what I thought I couldn't do”.  While it is becoming increasingly difficult to communicate with Jackson, I know he’s frustrated, I’m frustrated, we will get through it and I will have my moment when I did something I didn’t think I could do.  I just hope my moment is waiting for me around the corner, because I don’t feel like taking a long hike to find it. 

Newsy Update

A lot has been going on with the Klim family the past couple of weeks, hence the absence from my blog.  Where to begin….

It’s been a tough couple of weeks for Jackson.  He got some kind of cold bug and missed a whole week of school.  Apparently over half of his preschool class got this cold bug.  He was in pretty good spirits about it though, it didn’t seem to bother him too much.  But something was bothering him – more constipation.  He started having some bad days about a week ago.  One day he would be happy, calm, relaxed and pooping up a storm.  The next day he would be screaming in misery and not pooping.  I had my suspicions that he was backed up and should have followed my Mommy Gut but I didn’t.  Finally this past Wednesday I picked him up from school and he was just screaming.  His teachers said he had been like that all day.  The one big difference is that he had tears coming down his face, he rarely has tears.  So I knew right away he was in pain.  I started driving him home and planned to call his doctor, but as I drove I just kept thinking he needed to go to the ER.  The doctor wouldn’t be able to do anything over the phone and what we really needed was an XRay of his belly.  So I turned around and headed to the ER.  Sure enough the XRay showed he was backed up, and pretty impacted on the right side.  So he got another enema and some new instructions on medications (we now give him an Ex-Lax before bed and are pushing the fluids).

I did pretty well with this ER visit, I think I am realizing it isn’t as traumatic as it feels.  However, I did have a brief “Bat out of Hell Bitchy Mama” moment.  When we first got to the ER Jackson was just screaming bloody murder.  I was near tears.  It’s so hard to see him hurting and have no control over it.  They put us in a room at the very end of the hall where no one else was around.  After about 25 minutes of waiting for someone to come in to see us, all the while trying to calm Jackson down and having no luck at it, I picked him up, went back to the nurses’ station and started yelling at them.  There were about 5 people just sitting around talking and doing nothing.  I don’t remember my exact words but it was something to the effect of where the hell is a doctor or nurse, I came to the ER for “emergency” services not to just sit in a room to watch my son suffer, why hasn’t anyone given my son something for the pain, along with a few curse words.  They all just sat there looking at me like I was crazy.  Finally a nurse said she would see what she could do.  Gee thanks.  Shortly after that a couple of nurses came in the room and gave Jackson some pain meds which sent him into la la land.  It still infuriates me to think about this.  It is ridiculous that a child should suffer like that while so many people are just sitting around chatting.  In my opinion it was a total lack of respect for Jackson and his pain level. 

In addition to Jackson being sick, both Kevin and I have had some sick days.  I think we both got what Jackson had.  With our allergies added to it, it is taking us a while to get over it.  Monday at Yoga class I did a lot of inversions and by the time I got home my right eye had nearly swollen shut and I had a killer sinus headache.  All is well now, but our little family needs to get healthy!

My birthday was last week and apparently Jackson was waiting for it to surprise me with the best gift ever.  It was one of the days he stayed home sick from school.  We were just hanging out on the floor, he was rolling around, I was watching Ellen.  Jackson rolled over to the window (we have floor to ceiling windows) and was looking outside.  All of the sudden he took his right hand, placed it on the floor and pushed himself up to sitting.  He sat up for the first time all by himself!  I held my breath the whole time and cried tears of joy.  I waited almost 4 years for that.  It was awesome!  He hasn’t done it since but I know he will.  He has sat up in his bed before but only because he has had the weight of his blankets to hold his legs down.  This time he didn’t have anything holding his legs down and he did it.  That’s my boy!  Thanks for the best birthday gift I’ve ever gotten!

Today we got Jackson’s new stander!  Molina (health insurance company) finally approved it.  I will post pictures soon of him in it.  It also goes in the sitting position so it will be great to have that resource for him to get his body in different positions.  Hopefully it will help his body get this constipation problem worked out.

I spent another 4 days in Denver last weekend to visit my mom Sandy.  She is slowly declining but I am so thankful to have the time with her.  ALS is a cruel disease and I hate what it is doing to her body.  But when I say something to her about a memory we shared she always taps me on the shoulder to let me know she remembers.  She’s inside that shell.

Well that is what we have been up to out here in the Pacific Northwest.  I leave you this time with a quote that will hopefully make you laugh.

If your face is swollen from the severe beatings of life, smile and pretend to be a fat man.  – Nigerian Proverb

Goodbye

Yesterday we lost our foster daughter Vivi.  I’ve known for a while she would be leaving and thought that would help me prepare myself.  Not so much.  Nothing can prepare you for this.  One minute this little 2 year old is following me around, talking non-stop, and hugging my legs and the next she is gone.  This foster parenting gig sucks!

When Vivi came to us I had no idea the ride ahead was going to be a rollercoaster.  I mean how much can a 2 year old really do?  Well first she can weave her tiny self into your heart, then she will throw the biggest tantrum you’ve ever seen, then she will say or do something so cute your heart explodes, soon she will imitate what you say and do until she becomes a mini-me, followed by another tantrum, and end it with a precious cuddle.  Lots of ups and downs.  I wouldn’t trade them for anything (well, okay, I seriously could have down without those terrible 2 tantrums and her attempts at hitting and kicking me).  It was a wild ride, but I loved it.

I learned a lot from that little girl.  Having a special needs child means you don’t have to deal with a lot of the normal 2 year old behavior stuff.  I may be Jackson’s parent but I really had no parenting experience until Vivi came along.  I can’t tell you how many times my husband and I Googled parenting stuff to see if we were doing it right.  We made some mistakes, learned some new techniques, and did a few things right.  We became Vivi’s parents somewhere along the way and I’m grateful for that.

For the last 5 months Vivi has been my little girl.  Yesterday I carried her out to the car to leave us for good.  All day long I wondered what she was doing, what she was playing, if she had eaten food that was good for her, if she took a nap, did someone read her a story before bed, did they tuck her in and give her a hug and kiss, did she sleep good, did she think about us.  And I can’t seem to stop crying.  Our house is so quiet, her room is so empty, and my heart has a giant crack in it.  No matter what this foster parenting thing has in store for us, Vivi will always be my first daughter.  I love you Vivionna Rose the Booger Nose, wherever you are.