Goodbye

Yesterday we lost our foster daughter Vivi.  I’ve known for a while she would be leaving and thought that would help me prepare myself.  Not so much.  Nothing can prepare you for this.  One minute this little 2 year old is following me around, talking non-stop, and hugging my legs and the next she is gone.  This foster parenting gig sucks!

When Vivi came to us I had no idea the ride ahead was going to be a rollercoaster.  I mean how much can a 2 year old really do?  Well first she can weave her tiny self into your heart, then she will throw the biggest tantrum you’ve ever seen, then she will say or do something so cute your heart explodes, soon she will imitate what you say and do until she becomes a mini-me, followed by another tantrum, and end it with a precious cuddle.  Lots of ups and downs.  I wouldn’t trade them for anything (well, okay, I seriously could have down without those terrible 2 tantrums and her attempts at hitting and kicking me).  It was a wild ride, but I loved it.

I learned a lot from that little girl.  Having a special needs child means you don’t have to deal with a lot of the normal 2 year old behavior stuff.  I may be Jackson’s parent but I really had no parenting experience until Vivi came along.  I can’t tell you how many times my husband and I Googled parenting stuff to see if we were doing it right.  We made some mistakes, learned some new techniques, and did a few things right.  We became Vivi’s parents somewhere along the way and I’m grateful for that.

For the last 5 months Vivi has been my little girl.  Yesterday I carried her out to the car to leave us for good.  All day long I wondered what she was doing, what she was playing, if she had eaten food that was good for her, if she took a nap, did someone read her a story before bed, did they tuck her in and give her a hug and kiss, did she sleep good, did she think about us.  And I can’t seem to stop crying.  Our house is so quiet, her room is so empty, and my heart has a giant crack in it.  No matter what this foster parenting thing has in store for us, Vivi will always be my first daughter.  I love you Vivionna Rose the Booger Nose, wherever you are.