It’s the million dollar question. Why does everything have to be so hard? Who hasn’t asked this question at some point in their life? It seems to be a question I have been asking myself a lot lately.
Last weekend Jackson and I headed off to Coeur d’Alene to check out an indoor waterpark for his birthday party. Coeur d’Alene is only about 40 minutes away. It’s a drive we have done many times before. No big deal. Except this time it was. Jackson decided he didn’t want to go for a drive. Usually he does great in the car and loves to just look out the window, sing along to the music and chill. But not this time. He’s been going through a stage lately where he just screams and yells if he doesn’t want to do something. Doesn’t want to be in his high chair anymore after eating – screams. Doesn’t want to be put on the floor – screams. Doesn’t want to be in his stander – screams. Doesn’t want to stop eating when the food is gone – screams. Mommy is so sick of it she wants to SCREAM! So we are driving along and Jackson decides he doesn’t want to be in the car so the screaming starts. I get maybe 10 miles from Coeur d’Alene when I give up and turn around. I just couldn’t take it anymore. By the time we get home I am in tears. “Why does it have to be so hard?” I keep asking myself. Is it too much to ask to go check out a waterpark? Is it too much to expect to be able to run a few errands without Jackson’s screaming objection? I’m just so tired.
When we got home, I walked in the house, put Jackson in his bed, closed his door, sat on the couch and cried. Jackson’s screaming is frustrating me to no end. But it isn’t just about that. Once I start unloading to my husband, it turns out there is a whole list of things dragging me down. Going to Denver every month to see my stepmom may seem like a mini-vacation but I spend most of my time there crying. Watching her die is brutal. It breaks my heart to no end. Plus being around her reminds of my Dad. Sometimes when I am there with Sandy and I feel like bursting out in tears because of how much she has declined, I can feel my Dad’s hand on my shoulder and I can hear him say “There’s nothing you can do about it Honey, you just have to take care of her.” So I swallow down the tears and wait until I leave her to cry in the car. Why does everything have to be so hard?” Missing my Dad, Sandy dying, normal stresses in my daily life along with some recent new stresses, and trying to figure out how to deal with Jackson’s screaming fits has me at my wits end lately. This load I’m bearing is really killing my back, well actually carrying Jackson around is what is killing my back.
Recently I heard a song called Moments by Emerson Drive. There is a line in that song that says there are “Moments when I knew I did what I thought I couldn't do”. While it is becoming increasingly difficult to communicate with Jackson, I know he’s frustrated, I’m frustrated, we will get through it and I will have my moment when I did something I didn’t think I could do. I just hope my moment is waiting for me around the corner, because I don’t feel like taking a long hike to find it.