Mystery Lane

Mystery Lane

Friday, March 30, 2012


It’s the million dollar question.  Why does everything have to be so hard?  Who hasn’t asked this question at some point in their life?  It seems to be a question I have been asking myself a lot lately. 
Last weekend Jackson and I headed off to Coeur d’Alene to check out an indoor waterpark for his birthday party.  Coeur d’Alene is only about 40 minutes away.  It’s a drive we have done many times before.  No big deal.  Except this time it was.  Jackson decided he didn’t want to go for a drive.  Usually he does great in the car and loves to just look out the window, sing along to the music and chill.  But not this time.  He’s been going through a stage lately where he just screams and yells if he doesn’t want to do something.  Doesn’t want to be in his high chair anymore after eating – screams.  Doesn’t want to be put on the floor – screams.  Doesn’t want to be in his stander – screams.  Doesn’t want to stop eating when the food is gone – screams.  Mommy is so sick of it she wants to SCREAM!  So we are driving along and Jackson decides he doesn’t want to be in the car so the screaming starts.  I get maybe 10 miles from Coeur d’Alene when I give up and turn around.  I just couldn’t take it anymore.  By the time we get home I am in tears.  “Why does it have to be so hard?” I keep asking myself.   Is it too much to ask to go check out a waterpark?  Is it too much to expect to be able to run a few errands without Jackson’s screaming objection?  I’m just so tired. 
When we got home, I walked in the house, put Jackson in his bed, closed his door, sat on the couch and cried.  Jackson’s screaming is frustrating me to no end.  But it isn’t just about that.  Once I start unloading to my husband, it turns out there is a whole list of things dragging me down.  Going to Denver every month to see my stepmom may seem like a mini-vacation but I spend most of my time there crying.  Watching her die is brutal.  It breaks my heart to no end.  Plus being around her reminds of my Dad.  Sometimes when I am there with Sandy and I feel like bursting out in tears because of how much she has declined, I can feel my Dad’s hand on my shoulder and I can hear him say “There’s nothing you can do about it Honey, you just have to take care of her.”  So I swallow down the tears and wait until I leave her to cry in the car.  Why does everything have to be so hard?”  Missing my Dad, Sandy dying, normal stresses in my daily life along with some recent new stresses, and trying to figure out how to deal with Jackson’s screaming fits has me at my wits end lately.  This load I’m bearing is really killing my back, well actually carrying Jackson around is what is killing my back. 
Recently I heard a song called Moments by Emerson Drive.  There is a line in that song that says there are “Moments when I knew I did what I thought I couldn't do”.  While it is becoming increasingly difficult to communicate with Jackson, I know he’s frustrated, I’m frustrated, we will get through it and I will have my moment when I did something I didn’t think I could do.  I just hope my moment is waiting for me around the corner, because I don’t feel like taking a long hike to find it. 


  1. Stacey, my heart goes out to you and Kevin. I know it must me difficult going through day after day. You are a very strong person and Jackson is a very lucky little boy to have you and Kevin. Next time you want to go to CDA call and I will go with you, maybe together we can accomplish what you couldn't. Miss you and think of you alot. Take care. Linda

  2. Stacey,
    Oh how I how I have such sympathy for you and the screaming!! I can understand why you turned around and went home. There's only so much you can take, so don't beat yourself up. When Zach was younger, he screamed every time he was in the car...EVERY time..from start to finish. Something neurologically made him feel like he was falling when he was in a moving vehicle so I never wanted to go anywhere. You can only "tune out" screaming for so long before it makes you crazy.

    And you've been dealing with a lot lately, flying back and forth to Denver...and I know it's no vacation. Watching someone you love slowly slip away is agonizing, and yet when it's something you want to be there for her, it is heartbreaking, and stressful. Just look at one day at a time.

    I'm so sorry you had to give up Vivi. I know how much she meant to you because I know how you talked about her. And although you knew one day soon you'd have to give her up, that would have been such a sad day. I'm sure she loved you even in the short time she was with you and Kevin. I hope time is helping to mend your broken heart. love you my friend. I'll call you soon - we need to catch up : )