Last week Lillie had a massive fit. She yelled, slammed doors, and refused to move. I had to call the social worker at 9 p.m. I was at a loss. She woke Jackson up, her sister was crying, and I was beyond exhausted because Kevin was out of town. I finally got her to bed but by that point I had lost it myself. I laid in bed until 3 a.m. contemplating what to do. It came down to the decision that I was not equipped to deal with this. Everyone keeps reassuring me that I am making the right decision – the social worker, the counselor, other foster parents. All I feel is failure and disappointment. I am letting Lillie down and that is just not what she needs, another adult failing her. I’ve cried a small river over this and can’t stop wrestling with my decision. The social worker can’t find another home for Lillie because of her high needs so she is still with us. This week I have two appointments with specialists to help deal with her behavior. I think she senses I am at my wit’s end. Since her meltdown she has been behaving beautifully, which makes my decision even harder. I wonder if she is finally coming around and realizing our home is a safe place for her or if she is just backing off for a while and we are going to be in the midst of another meltdown any minute. Living with the uncertainty of what will happen every day when she gets home from school is very wearing for me.
Jackson has had some difficulty with the changes in our home too. He has started waking up in the middle of the night screaming. He seems afraid at times to go to bed. He gets over stimulated with the louder noise level in our home. He doesn’t have my full attention anymore and I know that is hard on him. It’s equally hard on me. Sometimes I feel so sad that we don’t have our time together anymore. I miss that. I love Jackson so much and I need to make sure that he isn’t affected negatively. He already has enough cards dealt against him.
I’m not totally ignorant. I knew going into the foster parent process that there were going to be tough times and broken hearts. There is simply no way to prepare yourself for it though. William Cowper said "The only true happiness comes from squandering ourselves for a purpose.” I hope that someday down the line I will find that happiness and realize all of this was worth it. Right now I can’t.