I haven’t written a post in a while. The truth is I’ve been sad lately, really sad. I’ve been struggling with the fact that I don’t feel like I’m a good mom or wife. I fear my frustration, lack of patience and general unhappiness is reflecting on my ability to be a good mom and wife. I have become this person I don’t want to be. I can’t figure out what happened to me. A few years ago I had a teaching job I loved, I climbed a lot, I read book after book, I took long walks, I had free time to waste. Now my life consists of therapy appointments, doctor appointments, poop filled diapers, laundry, and feeding times. My reading consists of medical studies, the latest therapeutic methods, books on brain injured children and motor skills. I haven’t climbed in I don’t know how long. I have the hardest job I have ever had and I don’t get paid a lick for it. I miss my old life. I miss the days when the idea of a child was a little boy wearing a miniature toolbelt following my husband around the yard as they “fixed stuff”. The reality of our child is hard. Too hard for me sometimes. I have so many fears about him. I worry who will take care of him when he is older. I worry he won’t get older. I worry about how much longer I can carry him around. I worry about what will happen if I can’t carry him around. I worry that I am not the kind of mom Jackson needs. I worry that I’m not cut out for this. I worry that I am so incredibly selfish because I miss my carefree life that I won’t be the mommy Jackson deserves or the wife that Kevin does.
All my life if I’ve ever had a problem that seemed too much for me all I had to do was call my Dad and he helped me through it. My Dad died almost two years ago. I really need him right now. I need to hear his voice and I need him to tell me that I can do this. What happens when that one person you need isn’t there anymore? How do you get through the seemingly impossible stuff? I feel like a fish flopping around on a deserted beach. You see, I know my Dad would have the perfect answer for me. My mom left when I was in 3rd grade and it was just my Dad and I for the next 5 years. He raised me by himself. I never asked him what that was like for him. But I have a feeling he might have felt the same way I do right now. I’ll never know though, and I have no idea how to get through this without him. I guess being Daddy’s little girl for all these years is finally biting me in the ass. The days of relying on Dad to help me through tough times is past. I’ve got to figure out how to get back in the water by myself and quite frankly I don’t want to.
I love Jackson so much it hurts, it really physically hurts. And I know for a fact that there is not a better man out there than Kevin. I don’t deserve either one of them. Funny lady Carol Burnett once said “You have to have faith that there is a reason you go through certain things. I can’t say I am glad to go through pain, but in a way one must, in order to gain courage and really feel joy.” I hope that I can get through this tough time in my life so that I can gain some courage and feel joy. I really could use some of both right now.